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Post by Kishar on Nov 25, 2017 2:53:28 GMT
Sleep, it was something that I hated and avoided when possible. Unfortunately, this was not something that I could often avoid considering how necessary it was to recovering will and the proper functioning of the mind. Even when I did sleep, I usually tried to come up with some sort of tincture to help suppress my dreams, because I had long since learned that dreams were not something for me. They either hurt when I woke up and realized that my dreams of my Mate's warm embrace were only a dream, or I was tormented by horrid nightmares that made me glad to be awake again and released from the tormented memories of his loss and the terrible years that followed. The anguish, the suffering, the loss of purpose that I had felt in those days was something I did not want to experience ever again. Yet, it was about a fifty fifty chance of having it happen every time I slept without properly medicating myself beforehand. And it seemed that I had not been properly medicated as I had a nightmare about that time once again. Luckily, for some reason they had disappeared in the middle of the worst part, and I had been returned to the black void that I took comfort in when I did sleep properly medicated. It was an empty nothingness that was far better than either option for my dreams. A place to wait and let my mind recharge without tormenting me when I awoke or tormenting me while I slept.
And after spending an indeterminate period of time in that state, I could feel the first rays of dawn's light pulling me out of the empty void, and I awoke from my slumber without much issue, carefully getting up on my hands and knees before slumping into a sitting position. I always slept on my front or my side to avoid discomfort from my wings, so it wasn't too weird to be on my front. However, what was weird was the fact that I was wearing my day clothes even though I had just been asleep. That was odd, I normally slept in just my undergarments or not even in that so that I could enjoy the well made linens that I always insisted on having for my bed, as well as because it was how my Mate liked me to sleep so that we could always snuggle and be in skin to skin contact while we slept. What hit me next was the fact that it felt like a long time had passed but it was all sorts of fuzzy, and a lot of the work that I kept around my bed was rather more complete than I last remembered it being. And then it hit me, I had stayed up way too long and I remembered the absolutely idiotic thing I had done with pulling a clone out from another dimension to try to deceive Shinzo about the fact I was staying up way too long.
I couldn't even remember why I had thought that was a good idea or why it was a good idea to go that long without sleep, but I just wanted to bash my face into a wall for being so stupid. So I did so, and with a rather good crack I left a rather large set of spiderweb fractures in the wall by my bed before slinking out of my bed and over to one of the couches that I had in my room before sighing and directing a command at Enki, "Enki, please inform Shinzo that I am awake. I get the feeling he will want to chew me out for doing something stupid," I said, sighing and preparing myself. Even I knew that what I had done was extremely stupid. I figured it was a combination of lack of sleep, whatever caused the Bronzes to rebel, and alcohol that had caused it but I had no real clue until I looked over my work to see if I had actually made some progress. I figured I did, but I likely would need to sift out the ideas from the mess. That's how it usually was when I went on binge sprees after all.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 25, 2017 3:37:59 GMT
My work was still laying out in front of me, as it always seemed to. Unfortunately, I couldn't treat this as the vacation that I would like to have. I needed to maintain the fate of this outcropping to eliminate variables for Kishar's own, more direct experimentation, as well as perform the calibrations to plot out just how to properly intercede a true analogue to the Loom based on Solar magitech, without relying on the gifts of the Maker. Really, it was enough to drive any Sidereal to distraction, not to mention one that, for the most part, had managed to shake the bonds of responsibility and work like I had. It was, of course, for the best of causes, but wanting something, anything to take me away from the drudgery that I had abhorred all my existence was not something I could prevent from happening.
Just as I was about to go subtly beg Kenessa for an update on what she'd learned and how she was adapting it so I could shift to martial-arts instruction, as a way to get away from astrological mathematics, Enki buzzed a notification for me. "Oh?" I mention, grinning. "She has, has she? This could be quite important, after all, she had made quite the mess of things, but it would be the worst of forms to go there and bring that up. No, that was not the way to treat someone who needed to confront her own problems, to see things that were there, but invisible to their normal perception. Just being able to think about it helped my mood immensely, even as the memory of what had happened gave me a slight sense of distaste.
As I prepare to head over, I do certain, basic tasks. Not the least of which was preparing a pot of tea and some teacake, which, when ready, I teleport over there with a crack of my flowing cloak. Appearing in front of her, I set it down so it's in easy reach of the lady who had very obviously only woken up recently. "Good morning, Kishar. It's good to see you in the land of the living with me." I tilt my head. "Since you made sure to alert me to you being awake, I assume you would wish to talk? I can come back if you'd like to spend some time freshening up, but whatever is fine with me. Either way...you look like you could use some tea."
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Post by Kishar on Nov 25, 2017 4:02:07 GMT
I sigh and shrug at what he said, I hadn't expected the niceties considering the absolutely stupid thing I had done but I supposed I wouldn't object to them. "I suppose a little bit of tea wouldn't hurt, but I always wake up rather quickly with the rise of the Daystar, or in the case of this place, whatever seems to serve the same function. It's fairly usual for Solars, at least in my experience," I said with a shrug as I didn't even bother to use my own hands to do it, instead sending an impulse to my implants which created a number of Essence arms that proceeded to pour myself some tea and cut some of the teacake and put it on a plate for myself. It was done rather quickly, and I took a sip of the tea with an approving nod before saying, "Very well made tea, I appreciate it even if the gesture was unnecessary." I took a bite of the tea cake and nodded, indicating it was the same before sipping on my tea and waiting a little bit for him to let out what he was really thinking. It didn't seem to come though, as he seemed to be waiting for me to talk instead of trying to lecture me like my sifu would have likely done if he was here. I didn't know exactly how I felt about that, did he think that I was such an arrogant person that I thought myself beyond reproach? Or perhaps did he just think me below reproach like some child that didn't know any better?
Deciding that I might as well bring up the topic myself and get it over and done with, I sighed and began to speak. "I am perfectly aware that I did something absolutely idiotic while I was sleep deprived and...shall we say overly inspired in the work that I was doing. I have no idea what made me think it was a good idea to use that particular charm like that, so feel free to get all the scolding that you are obviously holding back for some gods forsaken reason, I am neither beyond reproach nor am I some child who can't handle being criticized for making a stupid mistake, Shinzo," I said, letting what I had on my mind out into the open for him. I hated it when people held their tongue around me for some reason or another, whether it be out of respect, fear, or some other reason. I wanted to know what they actually thought, not the sweet lies and fake niceties that they put on because I was one of the Solar Exalted. I never wanted to be a ruler, all I wanted to be was a scientist. And one of the most important things in the scientific process was criticism, without that, bad ideas would not be weeded out and bad paradigms could pop up that failed to adequately describe the reality of how Essence worked, and thus didn't reflect reality.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 25, 2017 7:43:18 GMT
I raise an eyebrow. She obviously had a very different idea of how I was approaching this than I did...one that I had myself when I was exasperated and annoyed beyond belief at the initial reaction to her actions. However, at this point, I couldn't help but be satisfied. "To be honest, I have no interest in scolding you. After all, while you are not above me or my reproach, neither am I in the position to be lecturing...too much." I laugh, pouring myself some tea. "What is far more important to me, are three different matters. The first, is one thing that you've shown. That, with reflection, you realize the error of your actions." I raise a hand, extending my index finger to show the one.
Extending my middle finger, I continue. "I hope you're willing to indulge me a bit here, but the second is whether or not you understand exactly why your actions are a mistake. I realize you're not a child, so I hope you don't feel like I'm coddling you by doing this little exercise. I just find it far more effective in general than criticizing someone. After all, it makes the moment much more memorable, and much more teachable." In this case, I had to remember what I was doing. Whether or not she was teachable...whether or not she would be a benefit to Creation to allow to return...whether or not it was worth the risk of the Gold Prophecy. I had to keep all that in mind...and not give in to the thoughts that haunted my mind. "You can probably review the recordings, but I did end up dealing with your double. I consumed her memories and gave her a new life as a powerful denizen of Eokia. With her powerful essence reserves, she will doubtless become a powerful sorcerer and live a comfortable life. I felt it was the most humane option...taking everything into account." She was far too damaging for fate to leave around whole...but that still ate at me, harming an individual for something like that...could I really go through with doing that to an entire civilization, even if I knew? The answer was, of course, that I was totally willing to...but is...is that me?
I raise the third finger. "The final question I'd like to ask, is why you were so afraid of me interfering. Realistically, if you were insistent, there wasn't much I could do besides pester you to get you to stop. I have some theories, but if you have any idea, I'd love to hear it." My own thought process was that she knew how bad the idea was, but didn't want to be confronted with it. That she was able to ignore her own intellect through stubbornness, until she was directly confronted with it. If that was the case...it gave some interesting possibilities for other issues she raised.
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Post by Kishar on Nov 25, 2017 8:15:10 GMT
Well, that was far less harsh than I had expected considering what my sifu tended to be like when it came to screwups and unwise decisions it seemed. Perhaps it was because of a lack of that sort of relationship or perhaps just the kind of person he was. It could be any number of things that I didn't have any real idea what might be the case here, I was far too inexperienced with reading motives and the like for me to be able to read someone as skilled in the arts of socialization and the empty words and fake expressions that came with it. Not that I blamed him for it, after all, it was what his caste was supposed to do and there was a place and time for such things I supposed, but I just mostly took issue with them when they got in the way of proper governance or the pursuit of knowledge. "Only the most blind of idiots wouldn't realize their errors upon reflection, Shinzo. That doesn't seem like too much of a vote of confidence for you to need such a thing proved of me," I said, rolling my eyes and taking a sip of tea from it. Even if there was a curse impairing my actions as it seemed to be the case, it also seemed to come and go and get stronger and weaker over time. As such, the moments where I was far more in clarity should provide that sort of opportunity for reflection.
"Yes, I can tell you already dealt with them, for one. I was connected to it and now I am not. As they no longer are what they once were, the bond was severed, and you were far more humane that I probably would have been. I likely would have just killed it and have been done with it, but then again you were always far more of a compassionate person than I am," I said, shrugging and taking a drink of tea while I contemplated how to put what I found to be a mistake in words. "The mistake was threefold: First, I stayed up far too long without developing charms, likely something in resistance, to combat the issues of sleep deprivation and the long term effects on the brain. Second, I tried to prevent any interference to prevent this particular issue from being addressed. Third, due to my sleep deprivation I did something absolutely idiotic with my Sidereal Martial Arts," I said outlining the three mistakes that I figured I had, "If there is anything you feel I missed, feel free to add to it. I'll have to develop some way around that issue since it's highly likely what caused it was a side effect of the curse that tagged onto my...rather large dislike of sleep and the inspiration I had from observations on our guest's powers." It would help deal with the side effects if I made myself a way to deal with long term sleep deprivation, either by a charm or even by some sort of artifact or mutation. That would likely make things much easier.
"I cannot say exactly why, as my memories of that time are hazy at best due to the sleep deprivation rendering my memory solidification from that time period not the best, but I think it likely had to do with thinking you would either go further than just nagging or that your nagging would interrupt whatever ingenious train of thought I was having at that time and render me unable to continue on it," I said, shrugging as I took another sip of my tea. "I figure there could have been other motives, but it's all far too hazy for me to look back on it without the use of further Sidereal Martial Arts and I rather avoid that particular charm just in case I end up unable to break free of it by some fluke and have to watch some rather unpleasant times all over again," I said, my face going dark for a second before I shake off those thoughts and return to drinking my tea and taking a bit of a bite of the tea cake.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 25, 2017 9:17:35 GMT
I laugh. "Oh, I disagree. In my experience, I find all too commonly that there are gaps in our knowledge, especially considering the levels of arrogance that tend to be common in the Exalted." I shake my head. "I suppose it's a bit of a showing of little confidence in a different respect, but I did feel the need to understand that you were still the type that wanted to do reflection, that could understand and accept mistakes." Shrugging I continue. "The fact that I bring it up is not anything negative about you, but rather, the fact that so many simply don't bother to reflect on their actions."
I nod along with both her summation of her mistakes and her opinion of his dealing with the double. "Of course. A more expedient solution would probably have been better, but I just didn't have the stomach for it...even doing that was fairly difficult." Considering how field work tended to be for Sidereals in many aspects, it just made things worse. I really was pretty useless in terms of both paperwork, due to my laziness, and mopping things up, due to squeamishness. But then, age tended to be a defining part of the Beauracracy, which eventually got me out of it. I was also skilled enough in the Lute...which was something at least. I almost always goofed off whenever possible.
I did find her answer to be a bit suspect, however. "I mean, I'd have couched it more in the prospect of...well, pushing your body past it's limits for no real reason. Getting sleep is important, and while charms could have reduced the need for it, it seems like a waste of effort when you could just, well, sleep." As she spoke about how she disliked sleep and how it affected her. "Why don't you like sleep, Kishar? I would imagine it has to deal with dreams, but those are manageable. In fact, I could easily ensnare your dreams to prevent them from causing you any difficulty if you'd just ask." I raise an eyebrow. "Other than that...is it a matter of efficiency? Because at that point, it just seems like you're working too hard in general, and I'd have to ask whether you're pushing yourself as hard as you do is healthy, even ignoring the need for sleep."
As Kishar continues to try and recount her reasoning for the attempts to deceive me, I laugh. "Well, I suppose I can't fault you for not knowing what happened, you were a bit of a mess." I purse my lips a bit as she brings up that technique...the one that revealed the strangeness of the debate on the Prophecies. "Hmm...I would imagine those memories are quite painful, and I empathize. However...weren't we just talking about the need for honest and deep reflection, and people ignoring it? It seems like the sort of thing that would be of benefit...painful though it may be. To go back to the beginning and see what got you where you were. It's a very powerful tool...at least I would think so. While I would recommend a full trip, the tiny chance of failure to that level doesn't seem like a realistic risk."
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Post by Kishar on Nov 25, 2017 22:57:24 GMT
I sighed and shrugged, sipping at my tea. I would let that lie, though it did probably show a bit on my face that I had thought he knew me better than that, and that I felt he ought to have known I was that type. But it would be counterproductive to say anything more on it, so I just ate some more of the teacake and sipped my tea to keep myself from saying anything on the matter even though I really wanted to. I could understand why if the context was divorced from the situation, but that was something that ought to be included. What he said at the end probably was intended to indicate this, but it just seemed like empty words rather than the outright truth to me. Words meant to placate rather than what he actually believed, or at least believed with the same connotation that I suspected he was trying to get me to take from them. As for his reaction, I just shrugged, showing quite a lack of care about the act of essentially killing myself, which probably would seem odd to most even with my dedication to my cause and ability to make hard choices. I just considered it a somewhat cathartic experience perhaps, being able to kill myself without ending my own life that is. "Then you should have just restrained her and let me deal with it if such a thing was beyond what you wanted to force yourself to do, Shinzo. I would have dealt with it myself without hesitation, it is a clone from an alternate dimension that was my mistake and I would have had no trouble erasing such a mistake," I said, shrugging and sipping at my tea.
I waved off his concern about it being a waste of effort and said, "It wouldn't be one. First of all, the amount of time put into the development of the charm would pay itself back in time lost to sleep rather quickly. Second, transcending one's limits through the use of Solar Essence never really is a waste of time if it is something that is somewhat relevant like this is. Third, it makes sense to have this charm ready in case some bout of madness as a result of the curse makes me not want to sleep again as it will help mitigate the deleterious effects by not adding sleep deprivation on top of it. Fourth, it is only unhealthy to push yourself as hard as I do if you are not as used to it as I am and haven't adjusted your biology to deal with it more efficiently, which I have." With that out of the way, I turned back to his poking into why I disliked sleep as much as I did. "Yes, it does have to do with dreams. Yes, I know they can be managed, and I often do so with some of my own brews and the like. I just dislike the fact that when I'm in a bit of a creative storm I tend to forget and often just fall asleep at my bench instead of sleeping regularly, causing them to come back. I appreciate the offer but I would rather just deal with it myself, Shinzo. I am sure you have far better things to be doing than just trying to deal with my dreams," I said, politely but sternly refusing his offer to help me manage my dreams. They were an issue of mine and thus they would be dealt with by me alone, not with anyone else's help.
I put my teacup down and stared him dead in the eyes as he suggested that I risk it and I decided to put my foot down here and now. "Shinzo, I am not going to run that risk no matter how small the risk is. I have lived through things I would rather run naked through Adjoran's silent wind or bathe in Kimbery without any charm protections before I would experience them again. I understand that you mean well, but you do not remember what the Aftershock War was like even without my Mate's death. It is not an experience that I am willing to relive except in the most dire of circumstances," I said, my voice far more stern that it has been in the past. I had to stress this right now so that he would not try to push this in the future without knowing exactly what would be required to even get me to consider doing such a thing.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 26, 2017 3:08:01 GMT
I raise an eyebrow. "Restrain an Exalt for a matter of days? Possible, but not something that I would prefer to take the time to do, as well as risky if there's something that goes wrong." Shrugging, I continue. "You were out for no small amount of time, you know." She certainly seemed testy...I supposed she didn't take as well to my explanation as I might have hoped, though she didn't say anything directly on the matter. Still, I shake my head. "Even at that point, it would have been something I'd have preferred not to do. Mistake or not, she didn't directly do anything wrong...she was a risk only by her existence. Your instructions were rather precise, though you might have included not treating me like an enemy. That could have been helpful, with how things went." I sigh. "This way was kinder, cleaner...I can only hope she takes to her new path in life, with memories of a life that should lead to happiness."
Sighing, I roll my eyes, but don't strictly argue with her assertions. Many of them weren't wrong, but missed the point. Overcoming limits for it's own sake just seemed tacky, just seemed like an exercise with no true purpose behind it. While the more rational arguments held water, it seemed that something was missing. Dreams had strength totally independent from avoiding exhaustion or respiring willpower. They formed a metaphysical backbone that, even if avoided, still existed and grew. Of course, there hadn't been much in the way of study on that beyond fair folk research, but it was clearly applicable to the point that it gave birth to a Sidereal Martial Art. Still...what seemed more peculiar was her insistence that I had better things to be doing. "Kishar, please. You can let other people help you and share some of the burdens you're working under. It makes me happy to bring peace and happiness to people, you know. It would be easy to have Enki notify me if you fall asleep and spend a few moments catching your dream." Still, if she stood firm after this, I would let that be that. It just seemed so much easier than time spent developing a charm to ignore sleep when it had so many benefits to it. Her stubborn refusal seemed to smack of arrogance more than anything else.
I sip tea at her stern refusal. "If your past has that much power over you, have you ever questioned how effectively you can truly move forward?" It was a simple statement, and I expected her to have a response to it. "I am aware that the Aftershock War was incredibly deleterious and terrible beyond belief. My last exaltation was a veteran of the Primordial War, and died in the combat itself. Those memories are a part of me, terrible as they are." I shrug. "I don't mind your desire to avoid painful memories. I do find it rather strange that the very possibility prevents you from doing things of negligible risk when all is taken into account. The odds of you failing to withdraw, especially were I to provide you with astrological benefit, would be astronomically low. Avoiding pain is natural, but shrinking from the possibility of it is quite bizarre. I hope I'm making sense here."
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Post by Kishar on Nov 28, 2017 3:36:03 GMT
I blinked a little, rather surprised at the implication that he had made. "Usually when this happens I'm only out until the next sunrise. How long was I out of it?" I asked, rather curious about exactly how long I had been out. I wasn't sure what might have caused it to last longer than usual, but that was something that I needed to figure out for sure. I could always ask Enki for the amount of time, but I figured i might as well ask Shinzo since we were having a conversation already, and it would be rude to turn to ask Enki when he was right there. I sighed and shook his head at what he said, finding it rather sappy indeed, it just seemed all too soft. "Perhaps, who knows. In any case there's nothing to be done about it now, the matter is dealt with," I said, leaving it at that. He would just ask too many questions if I mentioned that I might have enjoyed the experience of killing myself like that, and it probably would just get him nagging at me and trying to get me to talk to him about it, which was really not necessary frankly.
I sighed and shook my head, finding what he was offering totally unnecessary. "I am aware that I can, it is a matter of if I should. I am perfectly willing to take aid...when it is something that I truly need help with, and this doesn't seem to be the case. I am able to deal with this myself without relying on others, which is what I ought to do. To stick others with my own burdens is something I try to avoid whenever possible, it is rather unsightly in my opinion. I do not begrudge others it if they do not feel they can handle their burdens, but I have to hold myself to a higher standard," I said, sighing and shaking my head as I sipped at my tea and sat back. I had to be independent, I couldn't rely on others more than what was absolutely necessary. If I was so much of a wreck that I needed others to look after me for something as simple as some bad dreams, then what good was I to anyone? What good did it serve that I had survived instead of my mate? Nothing, that was what. So I had to deal with this myself, after all, it wouldn't be too hard to develop this and I was rather well versed both in survival and resistance, so it probably wouldn't be too bad to develop these charms and I might even develop some other useful ones on the way. I did want to explore this place a bit more and being able to weather whatever the environment threw my way would be quite useful.
"I move forward with my past on my mind, never letting it be forgotten. After all, it wouldn't be right to let such a thing fall from the memories of Creation. And I am the one who ought to remember it, after all, I was his Mate so it is my duty to do so," I said, sighing and shaking my head about what he said. It was a burden, but no burden was so great that one of the Chosen of the Ignis Divine would be stopped by it. "There is a difference between experiencing it yourself and remembering it from your past Exaltation, Shinzo. I can tell you that comparing the Aftershock War that I myself experienced and the Primordial War that my previous incarnation experienced," I said bluntly, letting him know my position on this matter. The implication was that he would never truly get the horrors of it since he didn't actually live through it, nor did he lose his most precious other half in it. After all, he didn't even have the latter. "I just don't see the need to run that risk in this case, Shinzo. It would simply be indulging in the logic of madness to figure out an answer that is not worth the risk to obtain conclusive evidence about. Enough data exists from the readings that Enki made to determine how this potential curse might have been affecting my soul and mind," I said, explaining my position a bit better and leaving it at that as I snacked on some more tea cake.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 29, 2017 1:44:38 GMT
I shrug my shoulders at her curiosity. It was something that needed to be said...it wasn't exactly normal. No matter how exhausted she was, no matter how much she needed more rest, if I let her wake up, she would have just gone right back to work and not taken the further respite she needed. It was one of the biggest flaws she had, that way she pushed herself on as if there was a lash at her back. Not for the first time, I felt sorry for what her Lunar mate must have gone through before he earned his rest...having to put up with someone you care about driving themselves endlessly forward when it simply wasn't good for you wasn't a fun thing to experience. Of course, it probably bothered him more than me...the levels of these sorts of things did have their place. "You weren't out too much longer than that. Just another day. I wanted to make sure you had plenty of time to recover your drained willpower and stamina...you were a real mess, so I figured it'd be for the best." I shrug at her answer. "Indeed. I'll be sure to talk to you if there's any dirty work that would harm my delicate sensibilities, I assure you." I say, bringing up that argument that I was fully aware she'd likely be thinking of and dismissing it with sarcasm. It wasn't like I wouldn't do it...just looking for a better option as the first instinct didn't make someone weak. It was convenient I had one, still questionable though it might be.
I raise an eyebrow, before just sighing and making a dismissive gesture with my teacup, letting the exasperation be plainly clear on my face. "You're a hard person to live with, did you know that?" I shake my head. "Sure. We all know that you can handle burdens of this level. Frankly, it's almost unthinkable that something like this could really overwhelm you. No one is arguing that." I reach a hand into my amulet and, withdrawing a flask, spike my tea just a bit with some celestial wine I withdrew with a twirl before replacing it and taking a drink. Leaning forward, I continue. "However, one thing that I want to, and, I can say with absolute certainty, your mate had wanted to do, was to take some of those ancilliary burdens that weighs down and frustrates you, to make things easier for you." I didn't quite like bringing up that card, but really, it helped make my point. Of course, she'd probably just bring up how 'it's different because we're the same!!!' or some other bullshit, but it would at least put her in the right framework. "It's a natural reaction for people who care about another person's wellbeing to want to make things easier for them. You've let your mate do it with regards to the social entanglements and bureaucratic functions, and you've let me do it with things as basic as massage." I laugh. "Now, unless you remove my security status under Enki, I'm going to establish this whether you like it or not. So you don't have to let me do it, and you don't have to thank me. But I would prefer, as someone stranded on this world, that you focus on what matters, on finding a way back home and fix the problem that plagues us and our Exaltations, without getting lost in ways to save time getting there. Because that's an endless road and we both know it." I don't back down, not one bit. "In fact, the timing is just a bit suspicious. You could have developed a charm like this at any time. You certainly had less pressing projects to work on, and certainly more free time on your hands. If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you think about this until now?"
I roll my eyes. "Plenty of people died in the Aftershock War, Kishar. My previous exaltation died there. You don't see people holding continuous vigils for everyone that died...not least of which because most Solars treated their bondmates as fairly disposable, but I digress." I got her implication loud and clear, and felt it fairly absurd. Still, I let it rest. "Not that it would be a risk when I can break you out of it before you reach nearly far back enough to reach the Aftershock War to begin with...but I suppose you have a point that more information could be seen with Enki...if I hadn't already perused that information, at any rate. And, I'm sorry to say, I find it inadequate." I shake my head. "If you're not willing to cooperate, that's fine, but I'd prefer you didn't insult my intelligence in the process. I'm interested in thought process, about how it manifests and how it takes root, the information on the variations within the soul are interesting, but those are only ever parts of the pattern." Taking another sip, I lean back. "So, of course, it makes me quite curious just why you find it so impossible to begin to contemplate experiencing. Especially since the memories of those times themselves are entirely relevant to our study of this curse, as I've made mention before."
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Post by Kishar on Nov 29, 2017 3:30:31 GMT
I shrugged at that, he had likely done something in my sleep to make it happen but he had a point. It had allowed me to regain my willpower more entirely than if I had rested for a single day, so I supposed it wasn't too bad of an outcome. The bit about the stamina was a bit of a mistake on his part however, so I figured I might as well correct that right now. "Physical stamina isn't a problem for me, it is the mental drain that gets me over a long period of time with no sleep. I fixed the issue of having a limit to my physical stamina a long time ago via one of my Medicine charms and applying a mutation that provides my body with essentially limitless vitality," I said, sipping at my tea gently as I left that one on the table. Physical exertion was far easier to deal with than my mental exertion, and a bit of self-administered surgery was nothing for a Twilight Caste with the implants that I had. I didn't even need to rely on my own reach, those implants did the work quite well for me. Getting someone else to implant them, however, was a bit of an annoyance but it was necessary I supposed. I sighed and shook my head when he just beat off what I said with sarcasm and left it at that, there was no need to answer that seriously, and I didn't feel like quipping back right now.
However, his next comment made me want to quip back at him, however. I had one that was decent enough to needle him, that much was for sure. "And I figure if I didn't soundproof the walls, it would be quite hard to live with you. The moans would be enough to wake the Neverborn I imagine," I said, delivering it plainly and with a straight face as I sipped at my tea, giving him a bit of a needling back for that. I didn't know what he could be complaining about when it came to that, I was making his job that much easier by giving him less work to do, especially with how much work he had to do already in regards to the project we were working on. "And he and I are two souls in one, working together to do our duties. He was given the abilities of a Waxing Moon, and I was given the abilities of a Twilight, so it was a natural arrangement," I said, waving off what he was saying quite handily. Shinzo and I were working together on a project, and it made sense to split our duties as far as that project was concerned, anything more than that seemed like an imposition on the others. "I let you do it since you were so insistent about it and it was a one off thing," I said, sighing and shaking my head before continuing, "But if you are going to insist here and now I guess I cannot stop you. I will point out, however, that I could always set a spell trigger on my amulet to cast a nasty Sorcery should someone use a charm on me on my sleep. Not that I would do such a thing since it would tear the place up, but if I really wanted to stop you I could." As for what he said at the end, I had a quick enough answer for that. "You have answered my question for me in your own question, I haven't needed to due to the fact that it was never too urgent. In this case, the task is so great and the pressure to succeed is so high it probably caused the much longer than normal spree that you witnessed. I haven't had one quite that long before, so I figure I should create stopgaps to prevent issues from it now that it might be a possibility," I said, sighing and shrugging.
I sigh and shake my head at that. "And I could not care less about what others do, Shinzo. I could say the same about you and your refusal to practice sorcery. You don't see Celestials refusing to practice sorcery at all for no apparent reason. And I would never stoop so low to be like Solars who do not appreciate their other halves," I say, biting back at him for that. "And just as you would rather I not look in on your memories when you were going through it, I would appreciate privacy in any event where I were to use this on myself. I gave you the courtesy of that, so I would very much appreciate the same in return, which would make it quite hard for you to do so. Not only that, but you seem to want to inflict me with the experience of those memories, so do understand that I am a bit wary of entrusting you with pulling me out even if you were to say that you could do it without peeking in on my mind," I replied, making my point loud and clear. "Some things are personal, Shinzo, and this is one of them. I would very much appreciate it if you would let it lie at that for my reasons. My past is something I do not want to relive, even the good parts. Perhaps especially them, such things are meant to be one time events that shouldn't be spoiled by reliving them," I said, making an admittedly rather weak excuse. I didn't want to say it, but it was for the same reason I didn't want to have the good dreams. I didn't want to find myself addicted to wallowing in the past, using my charms and artifice to create a world out of my memories to deceive myself. No good could come of that, especially not now.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 29, 2017 4:51:56 GMT
I shrug at her correction. "That's fine, then." It really didn't matter, and in the mood I was in I was more than a little suspicious that she was correcting me merely for the sake of correcting me, but that was something I needed to get a hold on. Really, she could stand to be more polite, but I was pretty sure that she was being purposeful in attempting to bother me. I tended not to sweat unintentional gaffes...they didn't tend to be anywhere near as pointed or omnipresent, for one thing.
I raise an eyebrow. "You know, that doesn't even make sense. We don't live in the same structure, in which case, I'm afraid that lies as a design flaw of your assistants that they could possibly be loud enough that it would carry that far." What an absurd thing to say. I couldn't even be mad, because it was so clear that she was trying to find some awkward, fumbling ability to get back at me. That made me more than a little convinced that she had needed to concede some ground on the matter, if she was going to attempt such a paltry riposte. "What's more important by far, of course, is that you didn't actually respond to my point."
Then she started bringing up that rubbish on what the Solar Bond was. How could someone so intelligent, so insistent on facts and reasoned analysis, be so completely deluded? I roll my eyes as she gets it over with and begins to talk about letting me perform it, but making sure to mention that she could have stopped it if she really wanted to. "And I could stop that from occurring. Why are you being so testy about it, Kishar? What bothers you so much about the possibility of me helping you? What makes you so worried about imposing on others, on steadfastly refusing to let other people help you with your burdens?" Her reply made me roll my eyes, but I held my tongue. That was absurd. It was like an ant beginning to store food for the winter when the snow started falling. It spoke of such an unreasonable level of irresponsibility that I couldn't quite square it with any Kishar but the one that appeared whenever the subject shifted over to that mate of hers...the one that died in the Aftershock War and, stupid as he was, left his shadow over her throughout her life.
I wanted to strangle whatever Chosen of Saturn that had arranged his ending. That must have been the most bungled job of the whole damn Era.
"Do you have a reasonably founded belief that my desire not to use Sorcery is tied to whatever mental issue that put us in this situation? Because if so, I would be willing to go through that martial art to figure it out were that the case. I would be willing to go through the process of learning some spell if it was necessary to learning more about what was affecting us. Because, this isn't about me. It isn't about you. It is about the fate of all that exists in Creation and Heaven. If there is anything I could do, anything at all, I would." The obvious implication was that she wouldn't. What I kept in my head, of course, was that not doing it was getting her dangerously close to flunking the test. That it really was just unmanagable, that she was so lost in her own needs and wants that she wasn't willing to do something like this, to suffer so that Creation would have a slightly better chance of continuing to exist.
When she said that she didn't want to relive the past, though...that was when I couldn't keep things bottled in. "Kishar. You are reliving your past every day. You aren't living in the future...you're not living in the present. Everything you do is tinged by your past. If you didn't wish to relive a bittersweet past to prevent yourself from diminishing the future, that would be one thing. But you are simply crawling forward and dragging the past like a weighted cart around." I shake my head. "I don't believe you, Kishar. It doesn't add up with what is all too evident."
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Post by Kishar on Nov 29, 2017 5:45:50 GMT
I ignore the criticism of my response, just letting it roll off me as much as possible. It wasn't intended as an actual fact, but if he lived here sort of situation. Not only that, but I had indeed left him a suite here as well as that bordello of his, even if he never used it. Did I remember to even tell him about it? No matter, I would do it later. There were more important matters at hand, that much was for sure right now. Like why he kept pressing me on trying to let him help me. I hated the very thought of it, something deep down within me made me sick to the stomach to even think about getting help from anyone else. I was lying to myself though, I knew exactly what it was. I didn't deserve the help, help just meant that I wasn't worth having lived when my mate, who didn't need help from anyone, died. I didn't say anything though, and my stress was likely showing quite plainly on my face as I suppressed what else I might have said in response to him. All responding would do would expose weakness and let him have another front to attack on to try to get me to show more and more weaknesses. I had no idea why he was so insistent on trying to get deep inside of my head and figure me out, it made no sense to me. Couldn't he see that it was something I didn't want at all? Couldn't he see that I hated every moment that he tried to find out about me? All that was important was what I could do, and what I could contribute. It was all the worth I had, nothing existed besides that.
However, my ability to stay silent was evaporating very quickly, and as soon as he implied that I wasn't willing to put my blood, sweat, and tears into this, I snapped. I had just underwent a self-destructive spree likely because I had felt that I had an idea I couldn't lose! I had just poured thirteen consecutive days without any breaks into this! And what had he been doing!? God knows what out in some gods forsaken corner of this world! I barely sat through what he had said at the end before I suddenly and abruptly burst out of my seat and attempted to grab his stupid chain so that I could pull him face to face with me so that he could tell just how much anger was on my face. If I failed, I would proceed to get up in his face as much as possible without that before continuing. "Alright, fuck it. You want to know why I don't want to do this? It's because I want to stay useful so that I can continue to put every drop of my blood, sweat, and tears into fixing Creation you damned prying oaf. I'm a long recovered addict, dreamstones. That's another reason I hate having dreams, it makes me want to relapse! Do you really think that I wouldn't want a chance to see his face again, you massive prick?! I would sacrifice the entirety of Creation to the Neverborn and then let loose the hordes of the Wyld on what was left if I thought that it would give me five minutes with him!" I said, practically snarling into his face as I spoke. "And while I am fairly sure of my composure, I have seen other realities, Shinzo. I don't know how to explain this, but Obsidian Shards gives me a mad insight into what might be. Or perhaps what could have been. Thats not important, what's important is that I know that somewhere out there, there is a world where I never kicked the habit. And I don't want to relapse and end up like that. So unless you are so damned sure of either the importance of this that you are willing to risk me relapsing, or are absolutely sure that you can bring me back despite the fact I would likely be fighting you seriously if you tried to get me back from it, then its not happening, got it!? I. Don't. Want. To. End. Up. Like. Her."
I would sit and wait, my face still carrying it's anger and intensity while I waited for his response. Hopefully he would just back down and leave this be. We had better things to do than fight over this after all.
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Post by shinzo on Nov 29, 2017 6:28:22 GMT
I could see her stress growing. Good. At this point, I wanted her to explode. I wanted her to get past whatever block was holding her back, this snide, irritating facade that was clearly hiding the truth. I couldn't get to her through rationality, through calm at this point. I needed to touch the raw nerve. For some reason, she didn't want to actually talk about what she was thinking, she didn't want to have open discussion when the only way to really solve this problem in any real capacity was to learn as much as I could and compare it to fluctuations in the soul? To see just how this curse affected us in real ways, and so to adapt countermeasures against it?
One thing finally seemed to cause her to snap, and I was pulled down with my chain. I was fully aware of the strength she could output, and in this anger, she could probably break the orichalcum chains. So, I let her pull me down to look her face to face, not flinching a bit. I was NOT weak. I would never be weak again. I would stand up to this, I would judge. I would be able to decide whether or not I could trust a Solar who had been informed of the situation...or whether the Bronze Prophecy was truly the best option. I had to be impartial...no matter how much I wanted to help her, all I could do was try and convince her that she wanted and needed to be helped.
Her story was one that wasn't totally uncommon. I flirted with them a bit, but really, at the time, I didn't have enough free time, and when I finally put in the long centuries to get into the position, the memories were so faded that they didn't hold that sort of sway. In a sense, I was able to throw myself into mindless, emotion-draining work to dull pain...which she tried to do, but she didn't have elder sidereals or high-essence gods barking orders. It made sense. It was also something that couldn't just be hidden away.
"Now, I want you to think very, very carefully about what you said. I want you to think about what you said right now to a person who put his faith in the Solar Exalted to right themselves, to fix the problem they suffer and to usher in a golden future. To avoid the potential catastrophic consequences to Creation that letting them go unchecked could cause." I state that clearly, then I transition. "I hope, now that you've thought about it, that you can understand why I think that your fixation on him is both incredibly unhealthy, and quite likely linked to this Curse." With that, I look at her. Though conviction was far from my strongest virtue, quite the opposite, this was me wanting only the best for her. "I believe with absolute certainty that looking back on them with that charm is of the utmost importance. Even before you revealed the potential harm, I was sure. If you begin to relapse, then I will be willing to fight you at your best, and bring you back. It isn't something I'm worried about...I'm far more worried that you wonder if you're not strong enough to endure one usage of that charm...I highly doubt any sifu would teach a prospective student when they were indulging in Dreamstones, so you must have beheld it without relapsing."
I'm not weak. I have the power I need now...and now, finally the opportunity to exercise it. If this curse has such a hold on her that it could cause her to come at me with her full force to protect it...then I would break it with my own two hands. If it wasn't, then I would break it with my words. No matter who might call me soft, I'm not helpless. I thought I was showing it in serving as an assassin...but this was far more ideal. Hopefully, I wouldn't need to reprise the assassin role later.
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Post by Kishar on Nov 29, 2017 7:15:35 GMT
I growled at him as he tried to undermine what I was saying, and stared him in the eye. "I am perfectly aware that such a notion is ludicrous, I picked something that insane because it is entirely out of the realm of possibility. There's no link between the two, I was just showing the limits of what I would be willing to do if it would," I said giving a bit of a pause before continuing, "You obviously have never loved someone with every fiber of your being if you think that this is just from the curse. He was my everything, I lived and breathed because I knew he was there for me. He was my first, in many respects, and unlike you I was dedicated to him and only him. I can't imagine a glorified prostitute such as yourself could understand that kind of love." I practically spat out that last sentence, letting what had been on my mind for a while come out. His entire caste was dedicated to hedonistic pleasure, and the office even served as a bordello! A place for indolent gods to go to have relations with humans and not have to worry about leaving behind god-bloods that they weren't supposed to have or didn't want to take care of. For him to try to say that he understood the kind of love that I had for my Mate enough to label it as abnormal and as a result of the curse was something that I could not abide. "If you did know this kind of love, you would know that it is enough of a motivation to be willing to do anything for them. Anything to be with them," I said, my gaze flinching for a second as I gritted my teeth and forced those feelings back down within me.
I give a short and dark chuckle at what he said, trying to convince me that I was underselling myself. But was I? No, not at all. I was worthless in and of myself, and my powers that I wielded only had value to others, and through that value I was trying to make myself have some sort of value so that I would not have been saved for nothing. "Yes, and there I had structure and no access to the materials necessary to make it. Here? This is my playground, I can shape reality to my will and have all the materials I need to make one at my fingertips. You obviously think too highly of me, the only thing I am good for is my expertise. I couldn't even keep my Mate from being killed by the Primordials, and his reincarnation is in grave danger right now thanks to me. So even then, my power always fails me at the times I need it most," I said, my fists tightening, the one wrapped around his chain starting to leave imprints in it. "I never am able to do anything at the most crucial moment, and this would be crucial. Of course it would fail," I said, continuing to berate myself as I slipped deeper and deeper, "The question is, why would you bother to keep me around after that. After all, I would just be a failure. Like I always am when things truly matter."
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